Lifechanger and a run

Hard week. Desperate, and deflated is what I can chalk last week to.  So what else to do but run. Running is a huge stress relief for me.  I hate the start, it takes so much energy to battle my my own thoughts. "Maybe today is a bad day, I have tons of laundry!"  "My knees hurt!" "I just don't even feel like it!"  I have to lay all those thoughts aside, tie up laces and hit the road. It always gives me a sense of accomplishment. Which in this season, I am coming up short with so many aspects that if feels good to start and finish something.  At the end I am always glad no matter the distance that I did.

 I found myself here,  this weekend At Hudson's graveside.  A song came on the iPod that took my breath away. So much so all I could do was right there in the middle of the grass bend my knees and weep.

  This is part of the lyrics:

All stand applaud, Your Father God

The Maker King who never tires
Who renovates the human hearts
And gives the broken brand new starts

Redemption flowing from His hand
We all can start at life again
Heaven stands to celebrate
For the ones who come today

So come just as you are
Come just as you are

Chainbreaker, Heart Savior
Jesus, the great Redeemer
Life changer, Liberator
Jesus, the great Redeemer

From slavery to bravery
This is the love that reaches deep
And Jesus cross split history
It lit the dark and set us free

  You really have to hear it to appreciate this song.  For me, this song represented something God wanted me to hear which was this

 " I was your strength to walk you through this time with Hudson,

 he was a game changer for you guys. I am the life changer for you and for your family. 

 I was there on those days you said you could no longer breath.  I am that same God, that Same Redeemer.

 I was your strength. 

                                      I am your strength. You are right, you 

CAN not DO this.   

                                But I can.

                                                      I will. 

                                                                    The fight is worth it. 

 My love of greatest sacrifice can do this. 

     Believe me for it!"

  I know I know this is not what the song says, this is just words that washed over me in this moment right there in 

 the  middle of good fellows cemetery.

  Ugh, Help me remember this when a week like this happens. 

Seriously, just send me a text that says. "lifechanger" and I 

will pull my big girls pants up and stop doubting.

                                         

From the mouths of the Fortune Cookie

I put it out there last week, my soul. It was a hard post to write, to ask for help. I was so humbled by the amounts of cards, emails, texts and phone calls we received. The entire week, I kept getting random emails and texts about people letting me know they are praying for me specifically right at the moment where I need it.  I got offers from families on the way to where our therapy may be, friends says "come over after therapy for food!" I mean really blessed beyond measure. 
   The amazing part I found, most of these families are in the midst of changes within their families as well. They out of understanding stood stand up for us.  I love You guys for loving on us. 
   I am blessed to be in the fellowship with each of you.  Keep praying for me, I will for you!!
   

Body of Christ: Would you Wrap us?

 I am pretty raw in many of my post, pretty honest too. However I have kept a lid over plenty of our struggles. To protect our children, for the right of privacy and well because its really a part where I may loose people. 
   This weekend I went to the refresh conference in Redmond Washington. Its is a conference for foster and adopted families. I have gone to plenty of adoption conferences and plenty of orphan care meetings and gatherings.  I walk away with convicting truths and encouragement from each one. New methods and understanding to the depth of our children from trauma.  New ways to help our unattached daughter to get attached, new ways to help us attach to her.  This weekend was different  I walked into refresh completely and utterly defeated.   Scared from the last 2 1/2 years of struggle with our kids from hard places. 
      I walked away with  plenty of information, truths, and permission.  Permission to be honest about our struggles and permission to put down our pride and ask the body of Christ for help.   

    A very strong and honest mama spoke right into my heart as if I was the only person in the audience. She spoke on her struggle with her daughter. she shared this quote  " If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, judgement." (Brene Brown)     

     I am here to share with you  my shame has grown in tremendous ways.  Its has kept us in a deep sadness, and in turmoil.  We can not longer keep a martyr stance.  We are in much need of help. Saying this is even giving me such tension for fear, for fear of no one coming to assist us.

  Here is an analogy given this weekend that describes the church with adoption almost to a T.   When people share about adoption/ fostering there a big group of the church walking you to the end of  the dock saying "JUMP, JUMP, JUMP!" you get all excited and well you take the plunge. When you jump into the water you realize the water is freezing cold, you can't touch the bottom and oh no you can't swim! You look up to the people that said "Jump" and they say "we have no idea what to do we just know how to say "jump.''     Your left to thread the water on your own.  

    Let me tell you something friends. Adoption is NOT for everyone but the call for us to help the fatherless is for every believer. There is no question about this.  There should never even be a question. Yes after we say yes those fatherless children now have a father and a mother. But the journey doesn't end there at all. The call continues.

    When God adopts us he adopts our history our trauma our messes.  Can you imagine if after we said yes to his gift of salvation he says "all your past trauma we wont deal with, just forget about it ,ignore it, your a new creation that means those things wont ever bother you again.'' Or "ugh, this again, I made you new, get over it already dude!"  Or does he as a loving father deal with every single hurt we have, heal them, and when they arise remind us of our truth in Him.  That we are loved, beloved, wanted, accepted, adopted, adored, sacred to Him regardless of the ugliness  and the baggage we carry to come greet Him at the cross.     We go to conferences and the speakers have us do an exercise: we write things down on paper, hurts, ways we need Jesus, and we nail them to the cross . We say things like "leave them at the cross''  It would be awesome if they never followed us home right, but truth is it will it does. We have to continually nail them back figuratively speaking.  And we are adults. Our kids with trauma can not do this. Not even if they wished. Trauma has changed the chemistry of their entire beings.

   When we adopt kids with trauma we adopt the trauma the messes that come with the pain, we become punching bags for them, we hurt for them, we adopt the pain and it becomes unfathomably impossible to withstand. Worse we don't see rewards, we don't get thanks yous, some of us get words that tear the very center of our hearts. See hurt kids, kids that have severe trauma may find it hard to love back, or even impossible. Its not their fault its not MY fault, or yours but we end up with that feeling.  You then withdraw because of shame. Shame that you can't fix them, shame for the feelings and thought that come to your mind. Shame that anyone who said you should have not will remind you that you shouldn't have. So you stay in that closet of shame for a while, you wallow in it. 

   I have permission to ask you for help. So if you allow me I want to share Focus on the Family description regarding how to help families that foster and adopt. We both would be greatly and hugely blessed if you came along with us in our journey to heal our children mostly to heal our daughter  Our daughter that has severe trauma (we keep the details of this between mom and dad only)  We have not had many break throughs with her.  I feel like we are putting on temporary band-aids over her trauma and then when we have an outrage or she shuts down we wonder "what just happened?''  

 Reality is we don't have everything she needs. Love is not enough right now for her. She needs extensive help. We want to give it to her, we want to fight for her, but we need help, lots and lots of Help. 

          We need you to WRAP   your hands around us. 

W. wrestle in prayer: Prayer warriors. We need you to lift us up in prayer.

  Pray for strength and patience

  Mercy and Grace 

Pray specifically for our children by name.

 We need you to tell us your praying for us, to remind  us of the Truths.  We even invite prayer warriors to our house. Lay hands on us in all seriousness. Get all Pentecostal on us and bring oil if you want :)

 R. Respite:  Keeping on our toes and on high alert can become very tiresome for parents with struggling kids.  We are on constant alert waiting on triggers that make our kids take three steps back and leave us in exhausted. We need people to take give us respite. It may look like our girl coming to your house for a long day, so we can be with the other children and give them our attention they are craving.  So when she returns we are renewed and refreshed to help her. It may look like helping with other kids while I take our girl to extensive therapy we will be signing her up for. 

A. Acts of Service: I feel funny about this one. However this was also in the booklet from Focus on the family.  Errands, shopping, meals,   I would only ask for these  when we are doing our extensive therapy with our child.  The books says don't say "let me know if you know anything"  Because you wont be asked. So true.  I would never ask anyone to cook us a meal, to go to the store but truth be told. Our services will most probably be in Seattle and there are times I may not be able to make it the store.   I am deeply breathing cause this one is a hard one for me. 

P. Promises of God:

  From the booklet: Providing encouragement with Gods word through notes, calls, text, or emails can be a powerful source of comfort and strength for families. Hope-filled words combined with listening ears. understanding hearts, kindness and mercy will deeply resonate"

  Even if you have never adopted or fostered, we need encouragement we need you to remind of us scripture truths.  The big picture: that this is Gods design for our family that these children were indeed to be in our house, this is the truth, we need you to remind of this!

  Now if you can stand in this gap with us for us and be in community with us. Please raise your hand, Please tell us. We need to hear from you.  If you are in the same place, please allow us  to be in your community.  Gods writing a story for us for your wounded child and for you. We may have not wanted the story to be written like this.  Yes I know its going to be hard and well it will take time, but I wanted to sail into the sunshine and my horse is not here and it may not come, and I have to be fine with that. 

  For the meantime there is work to do. Please stand with us and allow us to stand with you. 

 Text us, email us, call us, look for us on facebook. Tell us your wrapping us up. :) 

    

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”  Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

African Hair Care

Let me just say African hair care is no easy task.  I grew up in the Virgin Islands, my local school had no white(Caucasian) kids. the Island Public Schools consist of Black (West Indian), Hispanic (Puerto Rican and Dominican) , Trini (Trinidad) sometimes Indian. 
   Kids that had "white people hair" were very seldom and sometimes even considered "rich" kids.  I had naturally curly hair and that was a novelty also.  I remember the island girls coming to school with braids and nice relaxed hair. If you had your hair like the photo of my little Roo up above you were in trouble.  
   Also African Americans are very serious about hair care. Trust me I have gotten phone numbers from stranger Black woman that volunteer to save my girls from the disgrace. It usually ends with "thank you so much" and I pocket the number and then read up on the new hair product and use that one.  
   Then the hair gets frizzy and well I am at a loss again. I am not one of these spectacular moms that can work magic on their girls hair they are amazing and I feel so ill equipped when it comes to their skill.  
         I took little Roo for her first ever hair cut, um she is 5 and a HALF. Seriously.  Would you look at these curls. She got a special cut called the Ouidad,  I do recommend this place its in Snohomish  . We like the professionals here, they were caring and didn't cut too much off.  It did take care of the frizz. I just wish I could bring Kelsey home with me to style here hair for the next few years. 
 Is she not the most precious little one ever. I am biased :)  

      

2 years 7 months 3 days

    948 days. I am not a genius, I used a calculator duration doodad to let me know how long it has been since the new ones made a debut to our tribe.   For 948 days I have learned many things about myself. Many things I thought I knew about me and was wrong, many ways I thought I was strong at and found out I was a wimp, many things I failed at, many things I had small victories to. Many things I learned about my husband about his Grace, about His manhood, about His fathers heart.  Many things I learned about a Saviors love. Vast, more vast than the ocean. 

I John 3:16  By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.
 I learned that this verse about laying our lives down for one another  has another meaning. Giving love to someone and not getting back right away is ...ah... wearisome. Laying your life down for someone even when that person never asked you to, when that person resented that you did, when that person may never ever say thank you. 
     I have a tiny glimpse a minuscule taste of how our Father must feel when we stomp in his face, when we tell Him we can do without Him, when we choose our own way. Yet there He is, arms wide open ,waiting for the day we choose to connect waiting for the day we call him not only Dad but MY DAD. Mine. 
    I am not comparing my self to the brilliance that God is. I fail every time I open my eyes each morning. There were so many more deserving people for this journey.  He choose Frank and I. 
   People told us we could't people told us we shouldn't . We began to feel way over our heads from the beginning.  Every time I began to say "I can't" a small whisper "I know, but I can."    
    We are not 100% healed. She has come a big way. She calls me "my mom" and means it. We have a girl that has been tremendously hurt.  Her wounds are deep, they have burrowed into her identity.  So, I have to remember loving this girl would be the most important job I was ever given.  So much so I have to remind my self everyday what love is... 
                             Love is patient it is kind. 
    This means I have to be a punching bag sometimes. I have to be kind about it. Most times I am not.
                            Does not envy or boast 
 Its strange but for a long time, I wanted to boast in my value. She would not treat me this way if she knew I had value right? um yes and no it didn't matter.  I can not boast in this kind of love. Also the relationships I see in other mother/daughter relationship has been a source of envy for me.  It can not be so. 
                              It is not arrogant or rude
  sigh
                           It does not insist on its own way
If I had it my own way, wounds would be healed, and the ideal of what our family should look  like would be...but from the first verse love is patient!
                             It is not irritable or resentful
 double sigh, irritation is my BF. 
  
It does not rejoice in wrong doing but rejoices in the truth 
   Truth is I have a child that things have happened to her, that struggles with knowing her worth. That has so much hurt it comes out in behavior. That wants to be loved and accepted and wanted. That is trying to trust that is trying to love.   
                                  Love bears all things
Even when it takes every single energy from you. It bears it. 
                                  
                                  believes all things
  Even when some days hope is turned into grieving. Believe that this will be better tomorrow. 
                                Hopes all things 
                                        always.
                             endures all things
Yes even when its hard to get a return. Yes even when I cringe every time I see the school calling. Even with the eye roll and the ignoring and the snippy remarks and the harsh comments about my appearance.  

  I am not a saint, it gets at me when people say this to us. We are so flawed. 948 days later, I am better for it. 

  

Word of the Year 2013

Its been a little while. Hello friends. We are one to a new year. With a new year, new vision and a new word. Last year we were challenged to seek a new word representing what the months to follow would cling to. A promise if you will, and boy did it ring true for the year we had. On to this one.  Chief and I began seeking a word for this year.  Praying, reflecting. Then there was a word my sweet hubby came up with. I tell you it was super hard to confess this word because I am afraid of what it looks like this year. How it will manifest itself in this new year. 

    We went to a service at our church and as soon as the word OUR word came out of our pastors mouth. We knew.  Here it is.....

                                     Restoration

  Have you ever read the book of Nehemiah? Okay little Sunday school lesson in a nutshell. So the walls of Jerusalem had been broken down in Judah. Nehemiah's brother came and shared the news to which Nehemiah was torn and heartbroken. He begged his king if he can go and repair the walls which were in rubble. The walls came down, well.. were burnt down.  Nehemiah wanted to restore these walls to honor the Lord.  He set out to build rock by rock, and then they came "builder of the walls." Gods people.  Also there were the critics (Sanballot and Tobiah) who mocked and ridiculed Nehemiah and his wall builders. But Nehemiah continued strong building until every single rock was in place.  The wall RESTORED the Glory... Gods. 

   Sometimes we are in a rubble of our own mess. Sometimes it feels impossible for the rubble to be built back up, even hopeless.  Sometimes it feels like too much so we sit in the ruin of our disgrace, waiting for someone to pull us out.  Worse sometimes before we even begin to build the "sandballots and Tobiahs" take any hope we have formed to move even one stone.   Sometimes we forget how AWESOME, MIGHTY, GOOD, POWERFUL our God is.  Can He not, will He not, Will we ask Him? 

   This year is the year of restoration for us. Restoration of old ruins and rubble. Restoration of things we thought were dead.  Restoration of our walls.   

  

 I love this word, even if I am scared of what the growth will look like.   Get your word, people...I promise it helps and encourages. 

Not the Norm

Around here, we are know for being against the flow, not the norm. So naturally  our 15 year anniversary celebration was spent a tad differently.   I would not have had it any other way. Hang on, I just had a vision of being on the streets of Venice ordering a macchiato. However, I didn't have $6987659 at the moment and so we had to go with plan B. Take two nights in Seattle, go Christmas shopping, attend the company's Christmas Party and just have some time together. Sound's good.  Then we went to church one Sunday and after hearing the message about finances,goals, and preparation,  we both looked at each other and realized we needed some shift change in our lives.   That's when we created plan  C.   Scratch the hotel, scratch the shopping. Have a mini stay-cation at home and we went a little further and decided to make it a missional weekend. 
     On Friday afternoon the kids bags were packed and neighbors/friends/family took on the kids for the weekend. We went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant. La Tarasca.

      Took a stop at Chiefs cousins tattoo shop. (He will give you a deal if you mention on) He is truly gifted. Tell Josh we sent ya. 

This is where the "missional" part comes in. We turned in early at our home. Poured wine, got our bibles out, put some praise on and began to pray. Bible and wine does mix mkay...mkay. 

We prayed about a Mission statement for the coming year. Don't be impressed at all. We usually do our yearly resolutions  and do great till about February 8th or something like that. We have written goals down before. Last year we prayed for a word for this year.  This time we wanted to feel more specific, more purposeful.

     We prayed about goals we wanted to meet this coming year for our family, for our marriage,in our relationships, in our finances, in our community.  
    We came up with our verse of the year. My very favorite moment, okay... first do you know how much I love this man?  I do. 

 I digress. So favorite moment.  We prayed over each one of our kids, we prayed over the next year. That the Lord would allow us to see them as He does. That there would be an abundance of Grace and specially we prayed that we would get a word for each child. We listened and got some sweet scripture for them.  Thinking of printing these out and framing them and setting a time where we call them into a room one by one pray over them and give them there verse. Not sure. Truly this is the first time we are doing this. 

    Did some sight seeing in Tacoma, (had free passes to the glass museum.) Walked holding my husbands hands without the 1,2,3 wee swinging that the little's loved to do.  Laughed a ton. 

What does a mom of 5 do in the middle of the day with no kids. You better believe it sister, I slept a bit too.

                Went to company dinner party at EMP in Seattle. It was fancy fancy. 

  Meet Chiefs work wife (its a dude, but they are always on the phone or texting!) and his real in life wife. We both meet our spouses in YWAM,  both Love the Lord, had so much in common and could not stop stop talking. Followed them home where they feed us nachos and entertained us with more laughs. Naturally they are our new Best friends. 

                There you have it Folks, a very frugal (we didn't spend more than  $70) very missional and very refreshing weekend...oh and we found best friends.